Not Caring...

I try not to be too vain, you know, like in a bad way, but I suppose it is a fault that I have. I have been reluctant to put very many posts lately, not because I haven't had a lot on my mind, quite the opposite. I have had so many things on my mind, and most of a very personal nature. I suppose I was nervous about writing some very personal things on a public blog, and I still had a small hope that there were some people who might make an occasional peak at the blog. I have to remind myself that this is not for them. The purpose of this blog is a personal one. I write to understand myself better and to put into words all of the things that I have been thinking and feeling, without having to pay 80 dollars and hour for a therapist - however and therapist would at least talk back to me. I need to stop caring and just write. So here I am writing, to who, for what purpose? I don't have some wonderful purpose, I don't have any amazing insights, I don't even have any cute anecdotes or witty comments. I am just me, writing for me. I just need to write what I am thinking and what I am feeling... So here goes... I am tired. I am tired and sad and discouraged. Everyday I feel like I am not living up to the expectation that I have for myself. I feel let down and like I am letting other people down. I feel like I haven't fulfilled my responsibilities with the strength that I should have. Everyday I feel worth less and less, I feel that I know less, feel less and have less control over my life. So that is how I feel. Now I know that anybody reading this, if anyone is reading this, can think "So what, everyone feels like that sometimes" or maybe "Wow, she is crazy." or perhaps "Someone's feeling sorry for themselves" I would even accept "You know they have medications for that sort of thing." But guess what, I don't care! What I feel is real, what I feel effects me and my family everyday. If it was just me, it wouldn't even be such a big deal, but all of these things combined make for a bad day for my kids. It isn't fair for them! They shouldn't have to deal with me like this! However, I am not looking for excuses, I am not looking for an excuse to continue feeling like this, to justify it. I just want to be happy, I want to get over it. Okay, I really am tired. I am going to bed now